Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
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