i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
