Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
