if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
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