i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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