sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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