I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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