I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
