maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
