and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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