I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
