One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
