I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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