Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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