I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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