You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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