Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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