I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
