so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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