I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
