if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
