Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
