I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
