before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
