I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
