I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
