I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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