I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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