There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
