I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
