i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
