barbara walters just said penis...
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
