Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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