Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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