She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
