I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
She bit a glass in half.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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