you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
