At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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