I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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