Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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