I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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