He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
