I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
