I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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