my soul wont recognize me after tonight
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
