I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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