It's like God shit irony all over that family
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
