Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
