Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
