I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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