that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
